I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
