I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
