the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize