I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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