Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
