??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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