you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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