i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
