Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
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it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
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A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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