I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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