I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
