I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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