I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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