she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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