I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.