i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.