He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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