I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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