rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
