I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We need a shit load of segways right now
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My dad is sitting where you rode me
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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