a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
