bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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