I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
