Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
