Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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