Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
