I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
