My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
