i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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