saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
