So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
