At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
