I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
