i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
