I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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