Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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