Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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