My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
