She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
