Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
They took my balls.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
