There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
