i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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