He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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