The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
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The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.