Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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