The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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