There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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