I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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