But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
