I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize