I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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