It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
