so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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