Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
