Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
