k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
