hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just gargled with NyQuil
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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